me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.