Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Happy Halloween 🎃

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]