Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

My love language is hissing.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence