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banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
why I oughta
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978