me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
![]()
You Might Also Like
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
![]()
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.