Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know