Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Print is alive and well!!!

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband