Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.