Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.