Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
You Might Also Like
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I cannot call her anything else now