Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

these two trucks have the same bed length

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.