Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

japanese corn

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Drive like no one is watching.