Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back