Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Very problematic

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?