ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
You Might Also Like
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
That eye roll….
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*