ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
You Might Also Like
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
bad news gang
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*