Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

this got me crying😭😭

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.