genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
They’re really bad with fonts.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!