me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Tell the colonel to bring it
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
#SuperBowl
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: