me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Autocorrect completely socks
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Shakespeare: Know thyself
Me: [changes into trashy t-shirt before eating spaghetti]
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.