Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

going to the ER y’all need anything

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.