Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”