Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?