Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”