Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
You Might Also Like
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
But is it really??
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.