Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.