Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue