Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

12. I think about this all the damn time

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

I’m the neighbor

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again