me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
yeah not falling for this one
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.