Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.