Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

🤔😂😂

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?