Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Breaking news:
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.