Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

[eulogy]

line?

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

was Jim off killing horses or…

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.