Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Blew my mind.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

RT if you could go either way.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

Twitter is the new flypaper.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

selfie game

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.