me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Sharon, call the vet
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.