me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.