me: i just killed two birds with one stone š
noah: you did WHAT
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Youāre born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasnāt finished.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit ācriss cross pizza sauceā and I just want to know when they changed it from āapplesauceā.
Of course Iāve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Did you know statistically youāre more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Wife: Whatās your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished sheād taught you how to cook.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I donāt understand.
Iām so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
in the song āthe final countdownā they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Chat: ādonātā
Email: āI do notā
Essay of 2,500 words: āHenceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to doā
Itās hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Iām the kind of girl who wonāt stop until youāre screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safewordās the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like itās the rim*
If youāve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. Youāve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: Iāll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesnāt finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My futureās so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I donāt think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were āgrapeā
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if heās seen the remote
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Iād use my best pan on you.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: whatās up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.