Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot Hot Hot

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E