me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth