Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.