me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child