Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!