Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

no such thing as a dumb question

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

All set.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.