Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
New skill unlocked
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]