Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

my mind

You just read my mind

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

This is always good for a laugh.

i’m so sick of this guy

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*