Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics