Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
fr
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
There’s only one good girl here!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?