Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

This is a whole mood;

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.