Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
fired
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.