Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

Happy Febuary everyone!

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.