Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge: