Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

🤣

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.