Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Somewhere in an alternate universe
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
mood
