Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
March 16
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.