Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.