Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

I don’t believe him.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Bear knowledge

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FN2AjOCWYAg_mbq.mp4

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?