Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

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Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be.
Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit?
Serious inquiries only.


Me: Do you have any mini-ipods in stock? Guy: what color? Me: Any color. Guy: We don’t have any. You Sir, have achieved stupid greatness.


I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.


date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.


The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.


Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.


I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.