Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.