Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.