me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*