Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?