Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: