Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works