Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

R.I.P.

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

The prophecy is fulfilled

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

can I use a minion as a tampon

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.