Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

liiiiiiiiike

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you