Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
huge valentines day plans this year!!
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Effort made
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one