Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.