Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

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Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang


me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??


Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’


*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”


Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.


I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.


Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.


Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline