Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter