Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

The booster protects against what, now?

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Spider-cat: No One Home

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch