Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here