One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below: