@pilau

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

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@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@OneFunnyMummy

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@a_simpl_man

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

@davidtyped

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.