Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?


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One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos


What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.


My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.


Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap


Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.


For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.